Superman does indeed return thanks to a screenplay from Michael Dougherty and Dan Harris, and direction from Bryan Singer. (Singer is of X-Men, X2 and The Usual Suspects fame.) Superman Returns is a mediocre spin on a franchise that’s been dead since the 80s, and thankfully asserts itself in the “Super” timeline five years after Superman II, apparently burying the embarrassing Superman III and IV in one large kryptonite coffin.

Superman Returns, with Baggage

Brandon Routh plays Superman dutifully. He’s got both the chiseled jaw and the labored-savior chip-on-the-shoulder act down pat. What he’s missing is the charisma and confidence you’d expect in the Man of Steel. This carefully crafted super looks more like he’s trying to please the comic book set than take his character in a new direction. (Which is a shame.)

Routh’s apathetic attitude is endemic throughout the movie. There are high points in the film—set design, production, costuming, all which take a clever look back at clean art-deco lines mashed with a hint of 70s glam—while keeping us firmly planted in a technologically modern Metropolis. However, after seeing the film I feel there was far too much time making sure the movie “looked like” Superman than creating a valuable new chapter in the series.

Superman’s language is dull, almost perplexingly so. Are we really supposed to be so bored with the dialogue as to spend more time contemplating the physics behind the CG cape he wears than the emotional state of the characters he interacts with?

(Shoot, I thought I could complete this review without sarcasm. Unlikely I suppose…here it comes…)

OMG Lex Luthor has kryptonite. Watch out Superman WATCHOUT. Superman can FLY. Even up into space. He can save people that are falling, use X-Ray vision, and blow out fires with icy wind spawned from his super-manly lungs. These are old tricks and in this film we see them over and over again like they are a novel concept. Very disappointing.

Kevin Spacey was charismatic as usual, but certainly lacked the shockingly sinister demeanor you’d expect from a man bent on killing billions in the process of making a killing at real estate. Without destroying the plot for someone who hasn’t seen the film, Lex wants to make an island. No, a big island, a really evil island. And he’s using Kryptonite so Superman can’t stop him from making a killing at real estate, again. No, really. I was more freaked out by American Beauty pot-smoking Kevin Spacey than this Lex.

Superman- Invincible But For Two Things: Kryptonite and Falling Action

I walked into the Cinerama hoping Superman Returns would be every bit as good as Spiderman I and II. Instead I found a film that was sloppily edited and overproduced. Shaving off 20-30 minutes of clichés would make this film seem a bit less wrote, a smidge less trite.

In the end what can we say about our most beloved of superheroes? Well, he’s no Spiderman. Ouch. When you’re up in the stars it’s a long fall back to Earth, even for Superman.