Superfluous Posting of Reviews Cinematica (SPORC), Episode I
It’s not a spoon and not a fork, but instead an abbreviated list of the movies I haven’t had time to fully review in the past few months.
Yes, this is an unrequested mountain of content and the term SPORC sounds a bit like SPAM. This is not accidental, but these snippets are hopefully slightly more utilitarian than your unwanted email. After all a spork is indeed a utensil—just a stupendously annoying one. I’ve learned movie reviews can be somewhat similar, useful to most but annoying to nearly all for one reason or another.
But fearless, I press on. In-depth movie reviews are one of my most frequently requested features, so what could be better than ditching the “in-depth” part and substituting a one-line snarky observation? Quantity over quality? (Like SPAM, the email or the meat) Oh yes, I’ve got that now. A poor combination of multiple specializations—critique and recommendation? (Like a SPORK) Got that now too.
In a perfect world I’d have heaps of time to wax philosophic on all of these movies, but instead I leave you weeping over your bowl of processed meat, punching your keyboard with your spoon/fork hybrid in order to check your unrequested email—all the time wondering what I would have to say about these movies if I had the time to write a complete review. (Well, a guy can dream.)
You may have questions. Why could I possibly find it productive to explain movie reviews with spam and sporks? Why would I endorse a film review system kindred to a cruel spoon/fork offspring?
The mule of tableware.
What does that even mean?
Some questions may never be answered, so for today please enjoy: SPORC Episode I
- 8.3 – Me and You and Everyone We Know
- Funny, uncomfortably honest. Highly recommended
- 8.1 – Crash
- Surprisingly great, given high levels of Ludacris, Matt Dillon, Los Angeles
- 8.0 – Doctor Zhivago
- An epic, and not just in duration. Has Alec Guinness (which equals radness)
- 7.5 – Treasure of the Sierra Madre
- On Bogey and badges
- 7.4 – On the Waterfront
- This movie
could’ve beenis a contender - 7.1 – Hustle and Flow
- Whoop. That. Trick.
- 6.8 – Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
- Imagine Harry Potter, but with more sexual tension than the last season of Days of Our Lives
- 6.5 – Walk the Line
- No men shot in Reno, but still good
- 6.0 – War Photographer
- Includes scenes shot with a video camera mounted on still camera (which equals radness)
- 5.9 – The School of Rock
- A level at which there is “too much Jack Black” has been identified
- 5.0 – The Exorcism of Emily Rose
- Skip Emily and exercise my boredom. I beg of you. Exercise my boredom
- 4.8 – Dogtown and Z-Boys
- Remember when you were rad? Yeah well these guys DO
- 3.8 – The Island
- I’m a sucker for sci-fi. This movie proves it
- 2.9 – The Village
- A level at which there is “too much Shyamalan” has been identified (does not equal radness)
I thought Crash was good, but I would put it a wee-bit lower because of the Luda – just plain bad acting. The ending was cheesy too. Otherwise, you need to watch “A History of Violence,” I think that was one of the better movies I’ve seen in a while; the action is shocking.
WHOOP DAT TRICK!!
That is all.
Was Big Ern suggesting that “A History of Violence” is subtitled, WHOOP DAT TRICK?
Makes sense.
Also saw “Darwin’s Nightmare” a few weeks ago. That was a good one, visually excellent, great interviews — incredibly depressing though. Should be out on DVD in a few months.
I’ve got Darwins’s Nightmare in my Netflix queue, I’ll be throwing History in there too.