To Whom It May Concern:

The reason why I have not been updating this website is not because my wonderful sister is getting married at the end of this week. (Or that her birthday is tomorrow. Woohoo! Happy Birthday Mo!) The reason I haven’t been writing also isn’t because I have yet to find out where I’ll be living next month, I have nine full days to figure that out after all. And I can also confirm that my neglect is not even because of the spectacular weather we’ve been having in Seattle. (Save a few afternoon showers, it’s been amazing. We all know the massive productivity drop that happens when sunshine bears down on Seattle.)

None of these are the culprit in the scandal that is my lackluster web performance.

It became clear to me on Friday that my hectic lifestyle is only a ruse—for the real reason I’ve not had time to update this site is because my cell phone is pelting my brain with more radiation than your cell phone.

Apparently way more radiation.

Rad.

Thanks for that little tidbit Ruben. *cough* jerk *cough* I digress into name calling, which is not surprising, surely a sign the radiation is having a profound effect. (As is the chest congestion, no doubt.) After all, I’ve never been reduced to name calling before this day. Ever.

Please don’t get the wrong idea, I love phone calls from friends, family, the occasional nutball who found my phone number on the Internet, or the friend at a bar who didn’t lock their keys and accidentally called the first name in their cell directory; (“Alex” starts with the letter “A.” Curses.) background noise rocks my world.

This post is only to say that once I get my spectacular sister married off (Ed, you are a lucky guy), and I find a new home for my computer (plus me), the updates will be back to normal. Oh, and I’ll need to start shopping for a new cell phone, but whether I get to that point pre-brain-meltage or not is another question all together. I can’t believe Motorola’s marketing strategy is to launch their customers into slow brain death (though arguably this is what all cell phones do, regardless of radiation output), but perhaps it is to cripple them enough mentally that they can’t pen libelous blog posts. Let’s hope for the best.

Maybe my extra radiation will spawn super-human powers like it does in the comic books. Unaided flight would no doubt aid in the house hunt and make me a hit on the wedding dance floor. Again, let’s hope for the best. I think I’d look good in a cape.