Deep Impact—NASA Marches On With Remake of 1998 Elijah Wood Smash Hit
Although unfortunately this time Elijah Wood couldn’t get a starring role, which reportedly could have potentially smashed him to bits on a distant frozen mudball. No, the saving grace of this go-around instead is that the new Deep Impact team has been infused with the same utterly horrific oratorical abilities that caused viewers of the origianl Deep Impact to deeply impact their their faces in plaster walls. (From Reuters)
What you see is something really surprising. First, there is a small flash, then there’s a delay, then there’s a big flash and the whole thing breaks loose. We may have been able to detect some structural response to the impact
How much do you get paid to spout this tripe? Allow me to translate this 4th grade paragraph into 2nd grade drivel: It…Went…Boom.
We are waiting for the outgassing to stop. It’s clear it’s was still coming out for several hours … and could go on for weeks
(Went boom.)
We know that we created quite a crater. We believe it penetrated quite deeply so we know we’ll get a good look at the interior
(Kind-of gross boom.)
The Hits Keep On Coming
Of course spiffy dialogue isn’t the only parallel between 1998’s Deep Impact and today’s. From an IMDB plot summary:
the President announces that special caves will have to be built, and the government will have to have a lottery-of-fate to randomly select 800,000 ordinary American citizens to go along with 200,000 scientists, soldiers, and other officials. These 1,000,000 people will be set aside to save the population from extinction when the comet hits.
This time around President Bush has announced his “lottery-of-fate” will be decided behind closed doors with paperless proprietary voting machines. It will randomly select 800,000 old white evangelical Republicans for saving, along with 200,000 Halliburton management personnel. Scientists this time will not be saved, but instead burn in hell for tempting God’s wrath.
So while NASA performs miracles with a dwindling budget, as far as I can tell we’re still stuck here to die with Elijah Wood (who, like us, is neither Halliburton management nor old white Republican).
Sequels usually suck—but on this occaision many congratulations to NASA and the entire Deep Impact team.